you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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