Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
