i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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