Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize