so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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