i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
