I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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