she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
