I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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