i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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