the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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