Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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