Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
