Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
