Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
