I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
