I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have aggressive nipples.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
