it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my liver is dry heaving
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
