Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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