rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
