you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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