dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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