It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
