AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
