Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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