I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
