my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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