it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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