Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
