woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
