Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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