I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
