Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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