i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well you can't waste a boner
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
