the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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