She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
