I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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