Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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