I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
