My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
