maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
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You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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