OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
