she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
