I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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