ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
