I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
