I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
