sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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