Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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