Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
