Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
