So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
