We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
