I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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