last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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