I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
