She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The best revenge is premature balding
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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