Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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