and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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